Greetings!

It's been another fantastic week.  Lots of great things have been coming my way, and I'm on top of the world.  And to top it all off, our weather is finally taking a turn for the better.  Who could ask for anything more?

So far, I've done fourteen stand-up shows this year, and I've got ten more scheduled this month.  I'm having the time of my life!  My debut performance at The Funny Bone (Newport, KY) was a little on the weak side, but it was enough to get me invited back later this month.  And just this week, I had an awesome crowd at Go Bananas (Cincinnati, OH).  Folks just like you, only I had the privilege of shaking their hands afterward.  Incredible!

I'd like to wish my Dad a very happy birthday.  Today he's ... well, I'm not gonna tell you.  And wouldn't you know it, he's in Florida keeping the cake all to himself.  Hmphh!  Oh well, happy birthday Dad!

A hearty welcome to all you new folks!  This party just keeps getting bigger.  Make yourselves at home and drag along a few friends.   There's always room for more.  And if you really like what you see, drop me a line.  There's only one thing I like more than hearing from you folks, but odds are I'll get a ton of email first!

This week's guest is one you haven't heard from in a while.   Back with us once again from the tropical northeast, it's our good friend Kathryn Mahoney.  And just to make you really jealous, I'll be seeing Kathryn in a couple of weeks at the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop, right here in tropical Dayton, Ohio!  As always, she's passed along a good one.  Be sure to email Kathryn and thank her for sharing.

I don’t know what it is about growing older that makes us want to go back.  Maybe it’s the memories.  Maybe it’s the fun we had.  Or maybe it’s just a morbid desire to figure out where we went wrong.

All the way through high school, I had only one desire.  Okay, two, but Lori Beck didn’t even know I was alive.  You have to stick to reality.  So I decided to become a rock star.

I would travel the world, with thousands of fans screaming my name.  Between concert tours, I’d drive a race car.   After winning both Daytona and Indianapolis, Richard Petty and the others would gaze upon me in awe.

I would own no less than twelve fine automobiles, and pilot my own personal jet.  My yacht, conveniently docked behind the mansion, would carry me to exotic ports of call throughout the Caribbean.

So where did I end up?  Well, I have been around the world, though the view from an aircraft carrier wasn’t quite what I’d envisioned.  The closest I’ve come to driving a race car is crawling underneath to fix what the real driver broke.  And the only time anybody screams my name is when I forget to turn on the bathroom fan.

I’ve owned at least a dozen automobiles in my life, though I use the term loosely.  My boat?  Well, its weight capacity is printed on my driver’s license.  You do the math.  And though I never got to pilot a jet, I did almost crash-land a Cessna. Does that count?

I think about these things because a few days ago, as I was surfing the Internet instead of writing this week’s column, I visited a high school alumni web site.  Oh, the memories.  Okay, the failing memory.  It happens.

I did find a few people I remember, so I took some time and dropped them an email.  I told them what I’ve been up to, where I live, and how I hope to see them at the next reunion.

The replies were immediate, and every one said the exact same thing … "Dave who?"

Okay, so I wasn’t the most popular guy in high school.  In fact, I was quite the opposite.  My senior class voted me "Most likely to serve time."

Gym class for me was an hour of running from the football players.  My luck with girls was about the same, only they ran from me.

I was the guy who sat quietly in the corner, played guitar, rode a motorcycle, and drew pictures of airplanes.  For the most part, I watched as life passed me by.  I didn’t care, as long as it was wearing a mini-skirt.

I worked most evenings, which means I walked around school smelling like a Whopper.  There are some things soap doesn’t touch, and that’s one of them.  So I quit Burger King and got a real job - one where I had to wear a tie.  "Good afternoon ma’am. Paper or plastic?"

The point of all this is my life was pretty boring.  At least to other people.  For me, it was just what I wanted.  Oh, I’d have given my eyeteeth for a ’64 Corvette, but I was perfectly happy tooling around town on my purple Honda 350.  When it rained, I got Dad’s Volkswagen.   That’s a real chick magnet.

But life is what you make of it, and memories are everything.  I’ll never forget racing around Fort Lauderdale in that Beetle, my best friend shifting gears from the passenger’s seat, as we frantically searched for a public restroom.  Suffice to say I didn’t have full use of both hands.

Thirty years later, we still laugh about that.  Simple pleasures for simple minds.  Like driving past my girlfriend’s house six times in a row just because we had a full tank of gas and nothing better to do.  Okay, we weren’t actually dating, so I guess that makes me a stalker.  It’s no wonder people tried to forget me.

All that seems a lifetime ago.  Maybe it was.  I’m a different person now, but I hope not too different.  And looking back, there’s not much I’d change.

© 2004 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved

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Reader Comments:

There's nothing I like more than hearing from good folks just like you.  Well, there is just one thing.  Anyway, here's your chance to speak up and be published!  Here are some reader comments:

"Oh Dave, I sat here and laughed right out loud while reading your column this morning! I survived our curious kids by the skin of my teeth---one of them had to know everything about every thing---and "It's magic" never worked!"

                                                           Jan Roat

                                                           Chaelie Sullivan

                                                           Jessie Raymond

"Good column again --- you made my week!."

                                                           Jan Joseph

For you new folks, this is the section my regular readers usually skip.  It's the same thing, week after week.  Here's the deal.  I don't steal mailing lists, and I don't SPAM readers.  The only way people find out about this newsletter is by word-of-mouth.  This is where I need your help.   Pass this newsletter on to your family and friends, and tell them they can subscribe by sending an email to Humor_Readers-subscribe@yahoogroups.com   Be sure to tell 'em it's free!

That does it for another week.  Thanks for letting me share a few more laughs with you.  Be sure to drop me a line.  There's nothing I like more than hearing from you folks.  You rock!

Would you like to see my column in your local newspaper?   It's not entirely out of the question.  Write a letter to the features editor and let him/her know how you feel.  A word from you is worth more than ten submissions from me.  If you don't know whom to write, send me an email with the newspaper's name and I'll find out for you.

Thanks again for letting me be part of your day.  I hope you'll invite some friends to join us next week.  This thing keeps getting bigger and better, and I'm having the time of my life.  You folks are the best!

Have a fantastic weekend!

Dave

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Copyright 2004 Dave Glardon
All rights reserved