Today is one of the most important days of the year.  If you're married, it's second only to your wedding anniversary.  If you're in a serious relationship that you'd like to continue, this IS your anniversary.  Today is Valentine's Day.

I just don't get the fascination.  It's not really a religious holiday, and the only notable event associated with Valentine's Day is hardly worth celebrating.

On this day in 1929, a bunch of gangsters were found dead in a Chicago garage, the victims of a mass execution.  No one knows for sure why, but rumor has it they didn't buy their wives anything for Valentine's Day.

I learned about Valentine's Day the hard way.   I remember exchanging those cheesy little cards in grade school, but we stopped doing that in fifth grade, so I assumed we had all outgrown it.  Bad assumption.

The whole time I was dating, I never thought about Valentine's Day.  This probably explains why I never kept a girlfriend longer than a year.  Oh well, their loss.

But looking back on those years got me to thinking.  What is Valentine's Day all about?  Where did it originate, and what was the original purpose?  I got some answers, but I'm not sure the world's ready for them.

My trip through history began in ancient Rome.   On February 15, during the annual celebration of Lupercalia, all the young maidens would write their name on a card and place it in a barrel.  It was like a dance card with instant benefits.  Men would draw a name from the barrel and treat the young lady to dinner and an orgy.  Can you feel the romance?

Christians were against this practice, and tried substituting cards with the names of saints instead of women, with the intent that the recipient would try to imitate the saint.  Oddly enough, the young men preferred orgies.

Sometime in the third century, Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than married men.  Of course they do.   When have you ever known a married man to win a fight?

In the hopes of building a stronger military, he outlawed marriage for young men.  But Valentine, a Roman priest, held weddings in private.  Well, it wasn't all that private, because somehow Claudius found out.

While awaiting execution, the priest cured his jailer's daughter of her blindness, and she fell in love with him.  On the eve of his execution, he sent her a romantic note signed, "your Valentine."  The next morning, February 14, his head and body went their separate ways.

Since this was the day before the annual orgy, the church took advantage of the opportunity to establish a holiday that could preempt the Lupercalia festival.  In other words, Valentine's Day was originally intended to spoil the mood, not enhance it.

So that's where it all started.  The first Valentine's cards were "Come and get me" notes left in a barrel at the entrance to a Roman orgy.  And we encourage our children to reenact this ritual?

Of course, today's Valentine's cards are just a bit more subtle.  Getting a card doesn't necessarily guarantee a night of passion.   You still have to put on a little charm first. Chocolate is a good place to start.

That's another lesson I learned the hard way.   No matter how much money you spend on cards, flowers, or lingerie, if you forget the chocolate, you're sleeping on the couch.

The only excuse for not buying chocolate is because you spent all your money on diamonds.  If you didn't buy diamonds, you're in trouble.

Here's a little hint for those of you who are new to the game.  This is NOT the time for honesty.  "You wanted chocolate? Sorry, I thought you were trying to lose weight."  Of course, I'd never say such a thing, and you can bet I'll never say it again.