There’s been a stunning revelation in medical science.  Evidence now suggests that brain cells malfunction in the presence of acne.  This just happens to coincide with adolescence.

I can’t quote any famous doctors, because none were involved.  This study was conducted by yours truly, by observing the intellectual capacity of a random sampling of teens employed in the fast-food industry.

Fast-food – that’s false advertising in its purest form.  If you get it fast, it’s been sitting under a heat lamp since February, in which case it’s not technically food.  It’s more of a scientific experiment, with you as the lab rat.  In reality, though, the fresh stuff isn’t much different.

The first indication of lacking intelligence comes when you pull up to the drive-thru speaker.  "Thanks for stopping by.   Would you like to try our new Spicy Barbecue Mozzarella Ranch Combo?"

"No," you reply.  "Give me a cheeseburger with lettuce, mayonnaise, and onions, and a large order of fries."

You may as well have placed your order with someone equally attentive, like a politician.  After a long silence, you speak up.

"Did you get that?"

"Thanks for stopping by.  Would you like to try our new Spicy Barbecue Mozzarella Ranch Combo?"

"No," you reply sternly, "I want a cheeseburger with lettuce, mayonnaise, and onions, and a large order of fries."

"That’s a hamburger with no lettuce, tomatoes, or mustard, and a large Sprite?  Pull around to the first window."

"No!  Listen to me!  I want a cheeseburger.   Did you get that?  And all I want on it is lettuce, mayonnaise, and onions.   And I want a large order of fries.  Is any of this sinking in?"

"We don’t have orange Sprite."

"No, a large order of fries!  French fries!  Potatoes!  Are your parents related?"

"Large fries, got it.  Hey, the cheeseburger comes with cheese.  Do you want that?  Because if you don’t, it’s probably cheaper to buy a hamburger.  What did you want to drink?"

By now, you’re ready to pull someone through the speaker.  Your best strategy at this point is to abort the mission, go home, and starve.  But you don’t.  We never do.  Instead, you pull around to the window and place your order face-to-face.

Now, just because the kid understands what you want, that doesn’t mean you’ll get it.  In Las Vegas, you can place a bet on the likelihood of getting what you ordered.  The odds go up with the acne factor.   If there’s an entire crew of teenage boys working, a ten-dollar bet could make you rich.  When pigs fly.

Of course, no one said this better than Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon 2, when he gave Mel Gibson and Danny Glover a rather colorful dissertation on why you should never go to the drive-thru.  Suffice to say he likened it to being on the receiving end of forcible reproductive mating.

It’s not intentional.  It’s not even a matter of inattention, apathy, or lack of motivation.  Alright, so maybe it is.

But more than anything, it’s acne-related brain damage.  And it’s a vicious cycle.  The longer they work there, the worse the acne gets, and the dumber they act.  Your only hope is catching a new kid with a clear complexion who still thinks with both sides of the brain.

Someday, medical science may come up with a cure for acne.  Or maybe we can find a way to rejuvenate brain cells with teen music.