It's that time again.  Time to go shopping for a new car.  I could just smack myself in the face with a hammer instead.  The emotional effect would be the same, but I'd save about twenty thousand dollars.

If you get the impression this isn't something I'm looking forward to, give yourself a cookie.  I'd rather have a root canal without novocaine. It's not that I mind buying a car.  If only I didn't have to talk to anyone.

Based on my experience, the only thing lower than a car salesman is a trial lawyer, though the differences are barely noticeable.  Both work on commission and neither has a conscience.  At least a lawyer tells you up front how much money you're going to lose.

Maybe now would be a good time to mention that I used to sell cars.   Worse yet, I was pretty good at it. So I'm allowed to speak my mind.

It starts the moment you arrive on the lot.  As you drive in, they're waiting to pounce on you, like vultures circling a dying animal.  Before you can get out of your car, one of them is moving in for the kill.  Typically, this is the one who hasn’t eaten in six days.

All car salesmen follow the same five-step routine.  Meet & greet; establish common ground; qualify the customer; obligate the customer, and close the deal.  I thought it might help to explain this routine in layman's terms.

Meet & greet - with a grin that could tame a rattlesnake, he tries to win your confidence.  Don't be fooled.  They have to spend two hours each day practicing their greeting grin.  This is to distract you while the sales manager lifts your wallet.

Establish common ground - this is where the person you've never seen before asks you a bunch of personal questions, then tries to convince you he lives in your neighborhood, goes to your church, and dated your daughter's math teacher.  You're practically cousins.  Surely you can trust him.

Qualify the customer - your new friend has a few more questions.   Before he can access your bank account, he needs to know how much money is in it.   He may even ask what kind of car you're looking for, but that's just a diversion.

Obligate the customer - for the next seven hours, the salesman "goes to work for you."  You'll feel like a real loser if you leave him empty-handed after all that.  Plus there's no way you'll visit another dealership and go through the same routine again.

Close the deal - this is where it gets ugly.  He's wasted your time, taken your money, and sold you something you didn't even want.  Now he has to make you feel good about it.  That way you'll give his name to all your friends, and he'll take their money, too.